Tonight is a quiet evening for me and E. We haven’t had this much time for the two of us in… well, ever. Q is always around, or J is home, or I’m trying to get caught back up with schoolwork, or, more horribly and to my utter sadness, been too busy grieving and fighting off PPD. E has never gotten my full attention. At least, not in the same manner as Q. I know with any subsequent children my attention is going to be divided, but I can’t help but feel guilty. I was so caught up in my grief at the very beginning of her life with Dad’s death, then the diagnosis came of postpartum depression and I felt like I was failing as a mother. I still feel like I’m failing. Q is firmly in her twos and has the wonderful attitude that goes along with learning independence. She behaves so well for everyone but me. J can tell her something and she listens. My mom can tell her something and she listens. My in-laws, my sisters, random strangers on the street can tell her to behave and she listens. But when I do? No. She screams and cries and throws an absolute fit and nothing I say or do can calm her, can end the struggle, or can get through to her. But anyone but me can get through to her. I know it’s completely irrational, but I feel like my two year old hates me and that I’m completely failing her as a mother.
I’ve always been hard on myself for everything, but this? This matters. There is nothing in my life that matters more than my children. To feel as though I’m failing the two who depend on me to be my very best is frightening. To feel guilty for grieving my dad, for my post partum depression, to feel like I’m a horrible mother is a heavy weight on my shoulders when all I want is for them to be happy.
I’ve tried so hard to be better than I am for their sake, even for J’s sake. While I feel like I was meant to be a mother (even when I’m struggling with my confidence as a mother), I’m in no way a good housewife. I hate cleaning, I hate cooking, and good lord, I LOATHE laundry.
I really ought to not have quiet evenings to myself. I think far too much. I criticize far too much.